“Just Ed”: Labour Party to announce series of light hearted children’s stories in bid to boost leader’s image

The new book is subtitled "Adventures of a Labour party leader" and dedicated to Maurice Glasman's cat

The new series will feature short (and true) stories about Ed Miliband. A number of chapters have already been revealed.

• Ed goes to the pictures – Ed’s aide gives him sixpence, and he goes to the cinema to see “The Iron Lady”. On his way home he is obsessed with acting out what he has seen, much to the annoyance of the locals and the Parliamentary Labour Party.
• Ed the intruder – Ed steals the attentions of Labour party voters and become Leader
• The Fall of an Idol – Ed has a crush on Lord Glasman, but eventually discovers he has “feet of clay”.
• A Question of Grammar - Ed’s accidental Twitter typo leads him to the front page of The Sun.

The books will also shine a bit more light on “Ed the person”, rather than “Ed the Leader”, revealing that Ed writes stories (The Tale of The Bloody Steak), although most of these are written in terrible grammar, much to comic effect. He likes to perform drama, and is fond of white rats, bull’s eyes, football, cricket and Marxism.

A notable feature of the stories is the subtle observance of the nature of Leadership. Ed often has to reconcile his own ambitions with the needs of the individuals. His strength of personality means that his leadership is never questioned by his own MPs (but is questioned by media, general public and pretty much anyone).

Tory backbenchers pile pressure on PM over EU deal

David Cameron says that he will fight to protect the UK’s national interest over a new EU treaty – as his party’s calls for a referendum grow.

David Cameron struggles at meeting with backbenchers to convince them of his Euroscepticism

The Prime Minister prepares to head off to Europe for a few days of trying to fix the Eurozone whilst talking English very loudly (so that the foreigners will understand him), and resisting the urge to say “two world wars and one world cup” to German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

According to senior Number 10 sources, Cameron will go to the summit hoping to ensure financial stability of the Eurozone, but not at any cost. He is after a number of concessions to bring power back to the UK and protect our national interests. In particular, he wants:

• Europe-wide regulations requiring those on the continent to have “proper breakfasts” rather than bread and jam in order to boost UK black pudding and baked bean exports;
• Special concessions from Greece and Spain on 18-30 holidays to Malia and Ibiza in a bid to reclaim the “youth” vote;
• The EU flag to be amended with a picture to include a picture of his own face (though this is not thought to be a dealbreaker according to our source)

But the PM’s refusal to hold a referendum on any new treaty has angered many within his party,. Euro-sceptic backbencher Jeremy Carruthers-Worthington, MP for Framlington South since 1953, spoke exclusively to CFCL and said,

“We absolutely need a referendum on this new treaty.

Admittedly EU treaties do tend to be about 600 pages long, and anyone reading one will need advanced knowledge of European law and international relations in order to fully understand its impact. However, the plus side of having nearly 3m unemployed people is that many people have lots of time on their hands so are able to read up. So now is exactly the right time to put this to the people.”

Government hope to Strike It Lucky with latest negotiator

In a shock move, the Government have enlisted the help of disgraced former light entertainer Michael Barrymore to try to resolve the pensions dispute with the unions.

Barrymore dressed for his new role as government negotiator

Barrymore, who rose to fame for such programmes as Strike It Lucky, My Kind of Music and Kids Say the Funniest Things, is well known for having had a dead body in his swimming pool in 2001, but less well known for his finely honed negotiating skills.

The Government has added a trip llama trekking in Sussex to their pensions offer.

Sources inside the negotiation team spoke exclusively to CFCL.

“We hope his fast wit and clever one liners will help break the tension with these angry trade unionists, and we are sure that everything will be ‘alwight’ in the end.”

When questioned about Barrymore’s shameful past, the same source said,

“Sure he had some trouble in the past, but haven’t we all?”

OECD predicts Double Dip recession

Yesterday the OECD predicted a “double dip” recession for the UK, so today the Chancellor of the Exchequer announced a series of measures to resolve this.

The Government-funded redesigned pack

Double dip – a paper bag with two kinds of sherbet and a tepid yellow coloured stick of sugar – has been rotting the teeth of 7 year olds since time began. Its origins are unknown: last year Time Team uncovered an unopened packet said to date from 472AD.

But ever since Jamie Oliver came onto the scene and began teaching kids about “salad” and “broccoli”, sales have plummeted.

So today, Chancellor George promised to protect one of the country’s national treasures with a slew of new initiatives.

Recent research also revealed that a Double Dip sugar high can help kids to achieve a 17% higher level of hyperactivity, so schools are to receive extra funding so that they may provide them to kids during PE as a means of boosting Britain’s 2020 Olympic gold-medal dreams, whilst any employers stocking them in their canteen will now receive tax incentives.

Funding was also announced for a Big Society scheme whereby volunteers will covertly insert packets into party bags at any party held at McDonalds or the Wacky Warehouse.

A Treasury spokesman said, “by increasing the consumption of Double Dips, the nation’s dentists will start doing a roaring trade in a few months time”.

I wanna live like Commons People

It started with The Only Way is Essex. Then came Made in Chelsea, Geordie Shore and Desperate Scousewives. But the latest “mockumentary” to hit the screens is a Department for Culture Media and Sport initiative focusing on the glamorous lives of backbench MPs.

I wanna live like Commons People

“Commons People” show the real lives, loves, tears and drama of our democratically elected representatives, but augmented to make them marginally more interesting.

The line-up mixes some household names alongside some lesser known ones. From the blue corner chick-lit author Louise Mensch (ne Bagshawe) will feature alongside Sajid Javid, Bill Wiggin, Peter Bone and Karen Bradley, whilst Labour will be represented by Natascha Engel, Lillian Greenwood and John McDonnell. Lib Dems Simon Hughes will feature alongside Jenny Willotts

The first episode (to be screened on UKTV Bilge +1 this Sunday) will feature a boozy trip to the golf course with Sajid Javid and Peter Bone, whilst Simon Hughes and Bill Wiggin go on a boys trip for a “back, crack and sack”. Lillian Greenwood also takes a trip to the beautician to get a “vajazzle” – something which is sure to get the pulses racing of male viewers.

Rumours are already flying around of a three in a bed romp featuring John “love-rat” McDonnell scripted to take place later in the series.

Glen Reeder, a disgruntled spokesman for the DCM, told us “this is a fiscally neutral initiative which will help voters connect with Parliament. All participants have contractually agreed to pay for their own fake tan and not to reclaim it from expenses, so it will not add to the deficit.”

Fox apologises over Werritty role

Separated at birth? Eric Pickles and a Sontaran

DCLG Secretary Eric Pickles                                              A Sontaran

Clegg warns of “long, hard road”

The A537 to Buxton is a long hard road, but Clegg was referring to economic growth, not the second most dangerous road in Britain

Revealed: inside Gaddafi’s bunker

We have an exclusive insight into what life was actually like inside Colonel Gaddafi’s bunker. Mohammed al Mohammed el Mohammed bin Bizir, the deposed dictator’s
former butler, spoke exclusively to CFCL about life with Gaddafi and the secret
world in which he lived. Read exclusively below for the exclusive interview -
exclusive.

Working for the dictator

Bizir worked for the Colonel for twelve years and spent at least 15 hours a day inside the bunker. The relationship, although strained at times, was a close one and Bizir experienced the unusual world of Colonel Gaddafi’s more than anyone else.

Inside the base

Bizir has revealed the high spec to which the bunker was
built. Just some of the facilities that Gaddafi demanded are:

• 50 different rooms
• Armour plated doors
• Communications control room
• Cruise missile launch bay
• Nerf armoury and shooting range
• Fibre optic broadband
• Bowling alley
• Water slide
• Petting zoo

Brotherhood of Colonels

Bizir also revealed that Gaddafi was also very proud of his Colonel status and considered himself part of an elite “brotherhood” of self-styled Colonels (the only other two being Elvis’s manager Colonel Tom Parker and Colonel Sanders).

Above – the communications control room with Gaddafi’s pictures of the “Colonel Brotherhood”

 

Liberal love

Perhaps surprisingly, Gaddafi was a big fan of former Lib Dem MP, failed London mayoral candidate and one time cheeky girl lover Lembit Opik. The pair accidentally met in the late 1990s and were infamously snapped together (see below). It is thought that the two have neither met nor spoken since that occasion, but Lembit clearly made an impact upon Gaddafi.

According to Bizir, “People say Condoleeza Rice was the Colonel’s secret crush, but this is not true. Once a week, the Colonel would sit and talk to me about Lembit Opik. He referred to him as “my little liberal soldier” and he would dictate letters which I had to translate into English. He would post them, but I do not think Lembit ever wrote back. Lembit was the Colonel’s real secret crush”

“When Lembit was on I’m a Celebrity, the Colonel ordered me to spend 5 hours a day making phone calls to keep him in. When he got kicked out, the Colonel spat in my face and said that I was no better than “that Welsh tramp Sian Lloyd””

Gaddafi and his "liberal soldier"

Revealed – smut in the House of Commons

New research for CFCL has revealed what MPs really talk about in the House of Commons.

It seems “boobies” is a regular topic, with literally dozens of MPs discussing them. Both Labour, Tory and Lib Dem (as well as more than a few minority parties) have discussed boobies; they are clearly something appreciated by both the left and the right. The last time boobies were discussed was in May this year by Patrick Mercer, Tory MP for Newark.

George Galloway in 2007 was the last one to talk about “spunk” in the House of Commons whilst Bob Ainsworth recently discussed someone’s “muff”. The dirty minded MPs have also diverted from debates on financial services, dairy farmers and the Olympics to talk about a “threesome”. The MP who most loves to talk about all things “sexy” is Tony Baldry, Tory MP for Banbury.

There was even a whole debate between Tobias Ellwood and Kevan Jones around how much the ability for a man to have sex is worth (and apparently it seems that normal use of the penis is valued at just over £9,000).

Evidently, all of this dirty talk seems to overexcite some politicians. In a debate in 2010, Stephen Pound, Labour MP for Ealing North complained in the House about the “well-refreshed ejaculations that are coming from those on the Benches opposite”.

Source: Hansard (genuinely – check for yourself if you don’t
believe us)